Many Serenity House clients have questions about the suggestion that they not get involved in an intimate relationship during the first year of recovery. Nowhere is this suggestion written in any treatment literature, nor is it an official viewpoint of the group Alcoholics Anonymous. However, there are a number of sound reasons for avoiding an intimate relationship when one is new in recovery.

Relating with others is one of the first things human beings learn. Our primary care givers nurture us and demonstrate to us ways of engaging with them and responding to our environment. It is important for those in early recovery to explore family of origin issues and assess how they learned to interact. Did they learn healthy ways of dealing with others or did the early environment teach and reinforce dysfunctional ways of relating?

Siblings and friends, teachers and schoolmates, relatives and others all influenced the ways individuals learned interpersonal skills. Individuals in early recovery need to look back and explore how they learned to socialize. Were they assertive or shy? Did they mingle easily with others? What effect did the opinions of friends have on them? Early social patterns have a profound impact on the friends chosen and the paths followed.

Enter sex. Love and dating, intimate relationships, one-night stands, and compulsive behaviors begin to take up the days and nights of adolescence. If these behaviors are accompanied with substance abuse, the problems associated with this type of relating are compounded. There is no need to go into those problems here; recovering people and their loved ones are well aware of them.

Recovery begins. The pain of a thousand hangovers begins to subside and the brain and body begin working as nature intended. There are physiological reasons individuals become more interested in sex early in recovery-the body is becoming healthy! Sex and lust are normal desires and need not be dismissed or minimized. It is very important to control these desires when sobriety is new.

Before engaging in an intimate relationship, it is strongly suggested that the newcomer take a thorough inventory. Many do not work a Fourth Step until several months into their recovery program. Until an honest inventory is completed, it is unlikely that the individual will be able to recognize some of the behaviors that have made past relationships disastrous. At a minimum, an inventory ought to include a sexual and relationship history detailing how relationships started, when they ended and why. This inventory will reveal patterns and provide valuable clues to the obstacles of healthy relating.

Build a strong relationship with a sponsor. The sponsor relationship will be, for many, the first healthy relationship the recovering person has in his or her life! Working with another on issues of trust, honesty, consideration, and values will be an excellent way to develop some of those behaviors which were either never learned or forgotten during the drinking and drugging phase. Building friendships with members of your support group is an excellent way to develop new interpersonal skills based on love and mutual respect. For many, these relationships become lifelong partnerships more valuable than any intimate relationship or sexual affair.

During this time of building meaningful relationships with friends and sponsors, the recovering individuals learn what they have to bring to relationships. In what areas are their interpersonal skills strong? What areas need improvement? When was the last time they built a relationship on values such as trust and honesty? When was the last time they had a true friend? Many in recovery would agree that the "friends" they had while using disappeared when they were needed most. By exploring how they relate platonically with others, the newly recovering person can assess what strengths and weaknesses they will bring to an intimate relationship. This kind of journey into self takes time, in many cases much longer than a year.

After several months into their recovery, some addicts are getting pretty lustful. It is important to not let the power of this lust lead to the old behaviors of lying, manipulating others, and deceiving self. Before asking that attractive person out to coffee or to a movie it is critical to assess motives. Would it be better to find some other activity at this time? Many times clients will rationalize that the relationship they are starting is simply a harmless friendship. Rationalization is a dangerous process. The client defends himself [herself] against the confrontation from concerned peers. He ignores the suggestions of his sponsor. He conveniently forgets the promise he made to himself regarding intimate relationships and convinces himself that the "friendship" is harmless. He utilizes all of the tried and true defense mechanisms he used when defending his substance dependence. Meanwhile, the concerned peers of this individual watch as his rationalization takes him back into old thinking, behavior, and relapse.

The above scenario sounds drastic to some, but it is extremely common. Many substance abuse treatment professionals would agree that few things could jeopardize a successful treatment program more than an unhealthy relationship built on a weak foundation.

There are some who will give into their compulsions and justify this by saying they just wanted to have sex. This surrendering to compulsive behavior is an even stronger indication that the person is in relapse. It is strongly recommended that recovering people avoid others who condone giving into this temptation.

So, what is a newly recovering person supposed to do? Many of the clients at Serenity House complain that they don't have enough fun in recovery. Many in recovery have to learn how to have fun in new, exciting, and healthy ways. With new friendships come new activities. Perhaps this is a good time to resurrect some old hobbies or start some new ones. Perhaps there are some goals which have been long forgotten which could be explored. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous suggests helping others as a way to get one's mind off of those "imperious urges."

If you have more questions about relationships in recovery, I highly recommend Struggle for Intimacy by Janet Woititz.