Dear Josh

It is often heard that the recovering addict only needs to change one thing in recovery--Everything. The addict must be willing to let go of people, places, and things associated with active addiction. Associating with old friends triggers powerful memories of using. Simply driving by the old "using" neighborhood can trigger cravings and relapse. Codependent tendencies complicate the detachment process. It is imperative that the addict reaches out for the support of a strong sober network. The following is a letter written by a female client to a beloved friend.

My dearest Josh;
Hi ya. I have something that I really need to tell you. Writing it is easier than saying it. I'm not really sure where my head is right now or how much sense this is going to make, so just bear with me.

First things first. I want you to know that this has nothing to do with you as a person. You know that you are an amazing individual. I have an enormous amount of respect for you and what you represent as a human being.

I don't want it to seem to you that I'm holding your disease or your problems against you. Remember, I have the same disease, and, not too long ago, I had the same problems. And if I'm not careful, I can go back there. It's not hard to do. It's not hard at all. What I'm doing now is hard, fighting to stay clean and keeping my house in order.

Josh, I cannot continue talking to you. You have to understand what it is doing to my head to know that one of my closest friends is stuck in active addiction. It's driving me crazy to know that I can't help you. And I know in my heart that whether or not I'm talking to you, you are going to continue doing what you're doing.

I have to follow the suggestions of this program. I have to listen to my sponsor, my friends (in recovery), my counselor, and the girls in this house. Most importantly, I have to listen to my heart and follow my gut. And my gut and these people are telling me to get out of this relationship before it kills me.

I can't think that I can do it my way. I've tried that so many times before, and it has not worked. Time and time again I have tried to manipulate the program to fit my desires, and it doesn't work that way. The only way for me to survive is to surrender and give myself completely to this program. This disease is my enemy, it is my destroyer, and if left to my own devices, I will throw away everything I have right now and return to my old way of living. I don't want to live that way any longer.

I've been thinking the last week or so about us, our relationship, trying to differentiate between superficial and real, trying to figure out the difference between my conscious and subconscious. I've come to the realization that you are a reservation, probably the only one I have left. A reservation because I know that if for some reason I wanted to run away from here, run away from my recovery, and run back to my disease, I can go to you. I can stay with you, and everything would be o.k. And it's hard for me to know that, Josh. Whether or not you agree with me right now, I know that if I showed up on your doorstep, you wouldn't be able to shut that door on me. And I'm living out the lifestyle right now in you. I'm listening to you and sometimes yearning to be there with you, to be taking those trips with you, to be doing the 'best dope ever' with you, and I start to miss it. For a fleeting moment, I start to miss that life, the life of you, me, and our dope, and nothing matters.

I don't want to go back there. I want you to understand that I can't talk to you while you're using. Whether it be heroin, pot, alcohol or crack, it doesn't matter. If you are taking any form of mind or mood altering chemical, I cannot communicate with you. I've talked to you up until this point hoping that one day you'll get it, and you'll stop. Now I am realizing I can't talk to you until you've stopped.

This doesn't mean that I'm not your friend. This doesn't mean that I don't love you. You know that I always have, and I always will. This just means that today, for right now, I'm doing something I've never done before-I'm loving myself more.

I'm scared for you. I really am. I'm petrified that you are going to die out there and I'll be attending your service just like Steve's and Joe's.

Tonight on the phone you told me you loved getting high. I'm going to be completely honest with you-So do I. It wasn't the getting high that bothered me. It was all the bull---- that came along with it. And if I could do it without the bull----, I would in a heartbeat, just to feel the feeling again. But, I can't. The bull---- is automatic. And I know you know it because you're going through it right now: the dope sick, the running before, during and after work, Mike calling at 1:00 a.m., Justin crying for a bag. Josh, it wasn't long ago that I was crying for a bag, being dope sick, and running. And by the grace of God, I'm not there today. I'm here in a safe place with safe people, people who care about me and love me for who I am not what I have. I can get up in the morning and go to work. I can take a shower and look in the mirror. I can have an honest relationship with the people I care about. I can like myself. I don't have to be afraid of what I am going to do next. I don't have to worry about what's going to happen to me when I run out of my dope because I don't need the dope today. I love getting high, but I love life a lot more.

I will be praying for you, praying that you find the willingness to surrender and give this way of life a try. When you do this, I will be here for you for love and support. I can't do it while you're out there. All that I put before my recovery I will lose, and either way, I will lose you. I'm just praying that this is temporary, that you will find me when you're ready, and that I won't be attending your funeral.

With deepest love and concern, your friend,…

Powerful relationships are forged during active addiction. Detaching from the drug is just one part of recovery. This person's decision to say goodbye to an actively using friend will probably save her life. It may also save the life of her friend.